Burps vs. Farts

This is a little debate that's been around for unknown period of time. Surprisingly this is not a very popular debate. It's kind of an underground argument. A lot of times I'm torn between two sides. I hate choosing sides. I'm not good at making decisions to begin with. It's always left-wing or right wing, Coke or Pepsi, Star Wars or Star Trek, I could go on and on. Because I don't like being completely loyal to one ideal, it's no fun anymore. But this is not the case with this debate. I've chosen my side in this debate and I goddamn proud of it. So when it comes to burps or farts I'm definitely a fart guy. I consider myself a "fartist". Silent but Deadly farts, sonic boom farts, stutter farts, splatter farts, flapper farts, fast food farts, you name it and I can probably blow it out my ass. Hell, I can make it sound like I'm shittting my pants without actually shitting my pants.

I've realized why this rivalry doesn't get much attention. It's because everyone is so biased towards burps you know? Everyone is so much more tolerant to burps that nobody even takes the debate seriously....which is not that serious to begin with but still. I always get annoyed when people just belch in my direction and don't even think about it. Occasionally, I'd get on my mom and some of my friends for that. They always accuse me for being a hypocrite because I rip ass when and where ever I want. To me there is a big difference between burps and farts. I'd agree that burps are pretty much farts that come out of your mouth except they come from the stomach. Farts come from the intestines and give off more bacterial gas. So when you think about it farts literally have more life to them.

Manners seem to be more lenient towards burps which is something I've never understood. If you burp out loud at the dinner table you just say 'excuse me' and everything is all done, forgiven and forgotten. But when you fart everyone's gonna give you shit for it. Even if you say excuse me they're still gonna give you shit. They'll say something like "Geeze you should check yer drawers after that one!" or some of the more non-humorous stiff motherfuckers will just simply tell you how rude you are. In some of these rated-G households farting isn't even allowed! Guess what! Everyone farts. Even girls! Everyone burps too. But come on. If burps really are the oral equivalent of a fart then that would be like sticking your ass in the air and spraying gas at everyone.

I know what some of you are thinking by now. What about the smell? You can clear a room out with a fart because the odor is much more powerful than a burp's. That's what makes farting fun though. It's that and the funny noises they make. But a lot of people are embarassed by the smell. This is one of the main reasons why they don't like farts. A fart can out stink a burp any day but this is because fart clouds cover more ground. Burps on the otherhand cover less ground but smell AWFUL. It's a mixture of the person's bad breath and the gaseous collection of the food they just ate. That's why I'm not a burp guy because I associate them with bad breath. I hate it when people have bad breath. I hate when I have bad breath. At times you're forced to smell bad breath. Most of the time you're not forced to sniff a stinky asshole. People kiss each other on the mouth! I'd much rather smell a fart than a burp any day. A burp doesn't have that rotten egg methane smell. The smell kind of gives the fart a personality.

This brings me to another thing. Vomiting is basically diarrhea of the mouth. It seems less natural and less comical than diarrhea out the ass. Food is supposed to go in your mouth and not come back up. Then later you shit it out. That's how it's supposed to go. Let me remind you again people kiss each other on the mouth. I see farting as more natural.

There are a lot of cool tricks you can do with a fart. You can light them on fire. You can't do that with a burp can you? You can alter the sound of the toot by shifting your ass cheeks around. Different surfaces can alter the noise of your fart and that can be a lot of fun. If you're laying next to your spouse in bed you can cook them in your Dutch oven. See there are lots of great things to do with farts. What can you do with burps? Belch the ABC's? Woopty-fuckin'-doo.

Females and exagerrated stories.

This is part of a bunch of boys vs. girls stuff I thought of.

Everyone exagerrates at one time or another. It makes stories more exciting and sometimes it makes you sound better.

Ladies exagerrate all the fucking time. Don't get me wrong guys do it too, but it's different with us. Males exaggerate about stuff like the size of their pee-pee, how many other guys they've fought, how many girls they've slept with, how much they can lift and some other retarded shit like that.

Women of all ages exaggerate the most unexciting things ever. It's usually something that happens within the dull routine of daily life. Girls love to talk about their day to anyone willing to listen. They take something that happened in their day and they stretch it. It usually goes something like this, "OMG today we were at the store and we had to wait in line for like 3 HOURS. It was ridiculous." When really it was more like 3 minutes. The ordeal itself is very uneventful. You went to the store and had to wait in line.....that's it? The exaggeration had no effect.

The problem isn't that they exaggerate too much, it's that their stories only go from shitty to less shitty. Spice it up a little bit. If you're gonna tell a story that has zero importance to everyone else why not stretch a little bit more. The thing is they think they're already spicing it up. They're not. So next time you suspect that your girlfriend is about to start an unfascinating story stop her at the beginning and be honest. Now be warned that honesty isn't usually the best route to take with women. But if I was in this situation I'd ask, before you continue, does anyone get killed in this story? She'll probably say no. Are there any alien abductions involved? No. Flesh-eating zombies? No. Well in that case I don't give shit. Your relationship might end there.

Maybe that's not best thing to do but that's what would be on my mind. Like I said ladies, spice it up. All it takes is a bit of imagination and some creativity. Atleast imply that there is some UFO conspiracy going on while you're waiting in line at the store. Or perhaps the reason why it seemed like you waited 3 hours in line was because there was a glitch in this simulated virtual-reality world we live in that was created by robots from the future. That's a nice twist isn't it?

The best way to deal with this problem guys, is to listen to what your girlfriend or wife has to say about her day, and pretend like you're interested. If you have a lady friend that tells good stories well then consider yourself lucky. There are still many barriers between male and female communication. This is one of them. Who knows maybe she'll catch on. She will eventually trust me. Despite what you may think girls aren't that dumb. She'll know how to get your attention. One day she'll come home and say "Hey honey guess what I'm fucking my boss." Then the guy will say "Whaaaaaaaaaattt?" You see girls aren't stupid it's only when they bullshit themselves into believing they're stupid that makes them dumb.

Get ready

Hello, cyberspace!

Get ready for some bitching and complaints! I guess rant would be a better word. Sounds more manly and badass.